Hooray for America, it’s the obligatory Republican National Convention post! The Republicans are the party that stands for traditional American family values… Like Threesomes! (nb. in keeping with the party’s history of homophobia and misogyny, this applies only to girl-girl-guy threesomes or guy-guy-girl threesomes where the dudes don’t touch, look at, or otherwise acknowledge each other). But anyway, enough with the cheap jokes about libidinous conservative lobbyists and their “do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do-ism” There are dozens of other issues at stake in this fall’s presidential election, and now is the time for Americans to perform their civic duty by educating themselves about the decision they will face on November 2nd. For instance, should George Bush be elected to a second term as president, conservatives will see this as a mandate for the passage of their “No Hott Girl on Girl Action (Unless We Can Watch)” constitutional amendment. So get out there and vote girls, lest your right to conduct naked pillow fights in the privacy of your own home be impugned! But please, don’t let my opinions influence you! We all know that America is home to a veritable smorgasbord of different kinks and proclivities, and if your sexual politics hang further to starboard, then other issues may take precedence in your decisions. One issue that the right can rally round this year is that of bondage. Whether it’s blindfolding and “electro-stimulation” or Guard/Prisoner role-playing that cranks your gears, a vote for Bush will help ensure ample opportunities to indulge your fetish. So voice your choice America, and don’t be afraid of some good-natured debate, because all that conflict can only lead to one thing: Steamy, post-election make-up sex! And, to paraphrase Voltaire: “I may not agree with (or understand) your desire to invade a sovereign nation, detain and molest its citizens, but I will defend to the death your right to vote for those who condone it…”
UPDATE: Never mind about all that, actually. It turns out that no matter who you vote for, all your vote are belong to Diebold. See you in Canada! =P
UPDATE II: It runs on Access!?! WTF? It says like, IN THE ACCESS FAQ on microsoft.com: “Do not use this for mission-critical applications.” Now I’ll admit that I’ve bent that rule on occasion, but I was maybe building a distance learning app or a email newsletter database. Perhaps MS should have included a further proviso: “Do not use this on applications that could determine the future of the free world.”
if the powers that be say they didn’t know about this tabulation loophole or microsoft’s disclaimer then
a) they are incompetent because they either didn’t fully research the new system, or didn’t listen to the people they had doing the research, or
b) are liars who were planning on exploiting this weakness to make sure the election swings the way they want it to go.
i vote for the latter. daddy bought the supreme court, why not Democracy? - which we all know is a total scam anyway. electoral college? anybody? guess what everyone - your vote doesn’t mean ANYTHING so stop fooling yourself!
oh wait! so THAT’S why they’re using those new machines! it just makes it easier (how do you say…more “official”) to “elect” a preselected person! like in all of those other countries whose “elections” the united states fixes! yeah, let’s just drop the pretense guys and get it all out in the open. it’s not i like i expect the united states government to be honest with the public about anything anyway. why don’t we just make the full leap to fascism and skip all of this bullshit in between?