antinomian.com

Whatever advancement in vending science it is that allows machines to work pretty consistently has been left out of this thing. Even when items are loaded properly (which is occasionally) things still can’t be counted on to fall down on the first try. How often have I seen a Snickers come to the front of the shelf and just balance there, like a suicide jumper with second thoughts. Today my Snickers even made it over the edge, but like a suicide jumper who manages to actually take the plunge, but gets caught by his shoelace on the claws of a protruding gargoyle, it remained suspended like the extended tongue of a schoolyard bully, giving me the “Bronx Cheer.” So while I could obviously just order up another Snickers and hopefully complete the transaction with a surplus for later, maybe I don’t want two Snickers right now, did you ever think of that? So I ordered a pack of peanut M&Ms from the shelf above the Snickers. I figured that like a suicide jumper from a higher floor who dislodges the guy stuck on the gargoyle, the heavy sack of peanut filled chocolates would clobber the Sinckers and bring them both tumbling to the ground (and eventually to my mouth). This way I’d have the Snickers I wanted, and some M&Ms for later, for variety’s sake! Well the M&Ms hit the Snickers all right, but it held on like a suicide jumper who has decided he wants to live after witnessing the grisly death of another. Reluctantly, I put in 75 more cents and ordered another Snickers, which pushed out the original before falling itself. 3 purchases later, I had finally come out even! Now I have enough candy for a week…