Kids, I know that you don’t want to hear this from a “square” old 27-year-old like me, but I’ll be god-damned if I’m going to let that stop me. It’s time somebody told you THE TRUTH, and if it’s not going to be your parents or your teachers or your priests, then I guess it’s gotta be me. Here’s the thing you guys… Even though doing drugs makes you feel good, and you think that OD-ing or getting addicted is not going to happen to you, it’s just NOT WORTH THE RISK. When I have to read stories like this in the news it just makes me SICK!
WHY hasn’t the government outlawed this horrible, sinful stuff!? HOW MANY more innocent children have to face death and a lifetime of submission to its insidious designs?? CLEARLY the only solution to this problem is ABSOLUTE banishment of this disgusting trash because people (especially CHILDREN) simply CANNOT BE TRUSTED to decide for themselves “how much is too much” and in the absence of a more nuanced solution we must ALL simply make this sacrifice for THE GOOD OF THE FEW. Because (and I’m sure you’ll agree with me here) no matter how many people can effectively manage their use of this drug, and no matter what pleasures and intellectual discoveries may have sprung from it’s sweetly stimulating action, if so much as ONE CHILD falls victim to over-indulgence then we simply MUST forbid its use to all.
Now don’t bother telling me that you’ve seen your parents use this drug responsibly, and how they’ve even instructed you in it’s proper and moderate use. Because children, it pains me to say this, but your parents are both LIARS and MURDERERS. That’s right, each and everyone who puts forward the proposition that there is such a thing as “safe and sane” use of this drug is unknowingly TWISTING THE KNIFE in the soft flesh of its innocent victims. RENOUNCE your parents’ sins and ACHIEVE what they could not! RID THE WORLD of the plague that now lubricates the gears of it’s foul machinery and JOIN ME in a NEW and PURE vision of ABSOLUTE TRUTH!™
Hallelujah, Holy Shit! Now let’s all relax with some healthful and harmless elixirs of a superior moral quality. It is, after all, your right and DUTY as Americans to consume as much of these as possible before succumbing to cirrhosis and lung cancer at an early age, unselfishly leaving your accumulated social security contributions to be squandered by future generations.
fucking brilliant
As a newly-certified Registered Holistic Nutritionist, I applaud your article on the dangerous, addictive, mind-altering effects of Caffeine the Devil’s Drug. However, as a budding epidemiologist, I believe this Devil may be on to something, and we should further study caffeine’s effect on the body. This brilliant girl has already provided the “control” scenario with espressos - I now propose we pump her full of Red Bull and Mountain Dew, and watch what happens, just for comparison of course. We must have a wide spectrum of data, and Eric, I nominate you to spearhead this effort:)
Miss ya Boy!