Charlie Brooker apparently misses the days when he self published and could write whatever he damn well pleased (e.g. “Nathan Barley stands in a Soho Record shop dressed from head to toe in frighteningly expensive skatewear, bobbing his head loosely in time to an imported hip-hop EP while a malnourished Albanian prostitute half-heartedly fellates one of his schoolfriends in an upstairs flat until he climaxes onto the hem of his £60 Firetrap shirt and instinctively tries to wipe it off with her hair.”) In this week’s edition of “Comment is Free” (published by The Guardian) he laments thusly:
I hate offended people. They come in two flavours - huffy and whiny - and it’s hard to know which is worst. The huffy ones are self-important, narcissistic authoritarians in love with the sound of their own booming disapproval, while the whiny, sparrowlike ones are so annoying and sickly and ill-equipped for life on Earth you just want to smack them round the head until they stop crying and grow up. Combined, they’re the very worst people on the planet - 20 times worse than child molesters, and I say that not because it’s true (it isn’t), but because it’ll upset them unnecessarily, and these readers deserve to be upset unnecessarily, morning, noon and night, every sodding day, for the rest of their wheedling lives.Note I used the word “sodding” there, because even though every single one of you knows precisely what word I meant to use, I’m not allowed to use it in print in case the whiny/huffy Axis of Feeble decides to piddle its pants with dismay at the sight of a commonplace assembly of letters. And they must be appeased at all times.
What these nitpicky, sexless complainists fail to realise is that sweary tastelessness is a celebration of life, as soaring and majestic as a gospel choir in full flow, and no amount of tedious squeamishness can alter that. Potentially offended reader - you are the offence. In fact you’re a four-letter word beginning with “c” and ending in “t”. Yes. That’s right. You’re an absolute clot.
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